Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
