I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
