Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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