Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
