someone threw a dead crab at me
I haven't been this sober since birth.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
