I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
