did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
