Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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