Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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