What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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