ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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