how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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