If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
