After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
