I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
