my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Randomize
