Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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