I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Randomize
