I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
