he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
My ass is underappreciated
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
