You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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