wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
