I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
