I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
We need a shit load of segways right now
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
