You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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