Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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