My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
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