You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
