U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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