how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Randomize
