I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
zippers are such a cool invention
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
