I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
