he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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