She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I'm like, not good at living.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
