I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
