he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
