i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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