Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Randomize
