Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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