this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
