I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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