I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
