Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
