someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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