Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
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