Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
