I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
