So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
she told me i tasted like america
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
