Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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