Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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