apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i think i scared a bird with my dick
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
